Maybe I'm Dreaming
There is a big difference between being a dreamer and an idealist, and I am not a dreamer. I have a rather bizarre high standard that I attempt to hold myself to because I have this ideal image in my head of what I should strive for. I know that ultimately this is not a good trait and have been working on it for a while. But I think I was cheating. In an effort to not constantly be striving for perfection I just changed the ideal in my head, trying to convince myself that in some way that was better. All I did was change the ideal, not the constantly striving part. Along with all of the craziness of surviving for the last while I think I was too tired to even try to reach my somewhat lowered ideal of what I expect in life. I think (the jury is still out) that this is a good thing because it forced me to ultimately let go which felt like a huge load off my shoulders. And when I wasn't looking, I think I might have even had a moment that I dreamed. It is no secret that my life with Claire is often exhausting, both physically and emotionally. I was talking with Jared about how tired I am and discussing our options. One of them is that we could just let her stay home all the time and watch television and listen to audiobooks. That's when it came out of nowhere! I am not going to let her do that because I am going to dream that one day, while she is still with us, there will be treatment, a cure, something that will help. It would be difficult if all of the sudden her body was less restrictive and all that she was used to was getting to lay around and watch Martha Speaks. When my mom had just had her stroke and we were told that she had a few months I remember a family member telling me how she was praying for my mom. That God is a big God and that we can ask big things of Him. Somehow I felt selfish asking for my mom to be completely healed, I was happy to take making it to Claire's first birthday. But I prayed and I tried my hardest to make the biggest "god sized" request that I could. It is that very same concept that I am just trying to wrap my head around again. I know that just because I dream it and just because I pray and ask God doesn't mean that it will happen. It just feels so nice to be able to move forward through today with the hope and faith that it can happen.