Today is the last day of school, the last day Claire will be in 1st grade. There is a buzz in the air. For a while now I have been hearing people say how glad they are to have the school year over with and how ready everyone is for summer. I am not. I have been dreading this day. It's a pretty horrible feeling, as a stay at home mom, to not be looking forward to summer, particularly when so many view it with such anticipation. I am still tired from the last week, month, summer, year or seven for that matter. The thing is, Claire's needs don't change with summer, it just means that I get to do more of it. I get feed her more, take her to the bathroom more, hold her when she's purple more. I know that with that I also get great quality time with her, I will get more of those beautiful smiles that I get to keep just to myself. I do love our special mom daughter time but you can't do that every day. Claire needs to play like a 7 year old girl plays and the bad news is, I am not a 7 year old girl, I don't really have any idea what they do nor do I really want to try and pretend. I am sure I can fill up a lot of the time with painting nails, combing her hair and reading, we might watch some movies go to a bunch of doctor and therapy appointments. We will eat at Verve and take walks along the cliffs and I know that I won't hate every moment of it, hopefully Claire will enjoy it a little. It's just one of those seasons when our life is more blatantly different, as if you had noticed yet ;-) I won't be sending Claire to camp or listening to her read to herself in her bed. She won't be sleeping in and lounging around because she has to get up and get her seizure meds in so she continues to breathe. I know that this isn't all that summer has in store, our days are often filled with things unexpected and sometimes that works out wonderfully. Take today for example, we are going out to lunch with some of Claire's first grade friends after school, she could have a seizure from excitement or we could have the best time ever and I will cry watching her laugh with her friends. I know that the summer will have ups and down, I'm just a little down today, looking at the enormity of what lays ahead but I am not hell bent on staying down, trying to stay open, going with whatever way life blows us.
Update: I just wanted to add to this post that lunch went great. It was about as average as our life gets, Claire was bored for a few but also laughed and played with her friends. Chloe was awkward and shy around everyone because they were strangers to her. Much to my surprise and delight, none of us cried. Today also went well. Claire and I had a great time in the sunshine while Chloe was at school. We wrapped up the day with bubbles on the porch before dinner. It was an incredible gift to have two days with nothing traumatic. Maybe summer won't be so bad after all.