Ah, November at last!
Don't get me wrong, October was a lot of fun. It was just a lot! My poor little brain is still pretty sore from just how much was in October. It was mostly highs, with a few lows, it was just a lot. I am so glad that November has come, Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday and I find the transition at the end of fall to be remarkable. The last three Thanksgivings have been the exception. The last meal that Claire fed herself was Thanksgiving 2007. Ever since then, I have had a hard time even thinking about it. But Claire is doing so well right now, after the huge success of the birthday and our first year of trick or treating, I am thinking that we are on a role. It also helps that Chloe is coming into her own, for lack of a better way to say it. She has given good balance to our family. Chloe has also taken me to new levels of exhaustion as I struggle to balance making everything super accessible for Claire and out of reach for Chloe (certainly a battle I will forever loose). As the wind dies down and I attempt to savor the season and all of the wonderful that my life is, it is hard. I don't mean that it is hard to savor, I mean that life is hard. I am wrestling with the concept of living in a storm forever. Of coarse there are good days and bad days. But the good days aren't easy, we just smile and laugh more. So the question swirls in my head, how do I live in a storm. I have heard "Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." and I hate that phrase. It is cute and if it gives relief in a hard moment then great, honestly I love rain, the thought of dancing in rain makes me very happy. But storms are hard. Feeding Claire for at least 90 minutes a day is hard. Balancing everything that it takes to keep Rett Syndrome from eating her alive is hard. Trying to be something more than a caregiver is hard. I think I am getting to a good place where hard isn't bad, it is just hard. My hope is that I can take that, and enjoy the beauty of my storm. Much like the monsoons that I grew up with. There was awe inspiring lightening that would fill the sky. Water would blow so hard it would go under the doors, trees would blow over, cactus would be uprooted. It was such a demonstration of beauty and power. It was great to take in, but putting the yard back together was sure a chore. Replacing roof tiles, getting the furniture out of the pool and so on. I see the next few months as a bit of a monsoon for us. It comes around the same time every year, is fairly predictable, there is always wind and lightening and a terrible mess. That is what my life feels like on Rett Syndrome, a monsoon. However, I have learned that if it starts to hail, I will not put on my swim suit and go dance in it. Yes, when you live in Arizona weather really is that exciting, and I was young, but I learned my lesson.