The struggle in my heart continues as we celebrate this advent season. I hate the association between Christ and His absolutely miraculous birth and the height of consumerism. But Claire loves the lights and all of the fun crafts that happen at school for the season. I had resolved to celebrate Hanukkah as that story is one that speaks to my heart and where I am right now. I so desperately need to be reminded constantly of who God is and what He is capable of, much more than I can ever dream. But I can't find the candles for the menorah and I don't have the energy to prepare any special food. So I am back to square one. We did manage to put our tree up, it is a nice size for the girls to play with and it requires very little maintenance. I did use the season as an excuse for Claire to buy Chloe some presents. It was so much fun to hook her switch up to my computer and go shopping on amazon with her. She was very thoughtful as I said we could get Chloe three things. She absolutely refused to get her toys and was reluctant to pick out clothes. So we settled on two books and a hat. We also wrapped our presents that we got for the little girl off the tree at church. It gives me such joy that I can have a conversation with Claire about giving. I so wish that she could talk back to me with more than her amazing smiles and thoughtful looks. I know that she hears me and that she is learning about all of this, maybe that's really why I hate the holidays, it is just so hard seeing her not getting to do the many things that I know she wishes she could.