Moving!

Over the last few weeks I have gotten a little clearer vision for what I want to be writing. As a reselt I have moved to Rettland! I would love it if you can join me over there as the journey continues.

Simple Pleasures

We are solidly back in reality. The well behaved 4 year old that went with us to Arizona is overtired and rather disappointed that the world no longer revolves around her. Jared is playing catch up at work and too tired to talk at the end of the day. Claire's had three appointments and tomorrow we get to go up to LPCH for the scoliosis clinic. I woke up with a terrible headache and nearly passed out after my physical therapy. This is real life, it sorta drives me crazy and at times can be a bit depressing. Laced throughout it there have been a few simple pleasures. We donated a csa box to Kid Quest (Claire's summer home away from home) upon Claire's urging us to do so. The joy on the faces of the staff as they sifted through the heaping bag of veggies was priceless. It was a moment of slowness when everyone in the moment was thankful for the process, the farmer that grew it, the parent who provided it and the staff that will lovingly cook it with the kids for tasty meals that will be enjoyed together. Later in the day Chloe finally earned a few minutes of ipad time and chose to climb into her sisters bed and share it with her. It's nothing life shattering, the world would keep spinning without it but these simple pleasures, sharing things that we enjoy, that's the stuff that heals my spirit when I am surrounded with piles of laundry and fighting off back pain. I can deal with that in a world that's simply awesome like this.

Arizona and back

Since my last post, we have traveled to and from Arizona. We went strong up until the moment we left and hit the ground running once we got home. This might seem obvious to you, but somehow in all of this I have realized that we do a lot of life. It's not busy, it's just not boring. Our life is an adventure, there is nothing mundane in our world. Just going to the grocery store becomes a heroic activity when one child is on the verge of a seizure and the other is trying to do cartwheels in the parking lot. The trip was great but exhausting. I don't know when my brain is going to be functioning again, so I am going to put up pics of the trip. While going for a funeral wasn't fun or anything I ever would have wanted to be doing, we made the most of it because today is what we've got. So here's the story of our adventure to Arizona in pictures.

 Quick AFO adjustment and circus training right before we left.

 Sweetest sisters ever.

 Chloe wanted to make a raisen, it was fun to watch, if you are sitting forever.

 Starbucks baristas were randomly super rude.

 The girls were champs, it was however a very long night.

 Chloe was intrigues by the cactus and wanted to know where the sand was.

We found the sand however, she now thinks that Arizona has the sand of the desert but also lots of grass and bagpipers to bring in the sunset.

We did bring a little slice of home with us.

 I tried to explain that this is where I once worked, they just liked the fountain.

Claire loved lounging by the pool in the warm night.

Eventually we wore Chloe out.

Of course we jumped on the beds.

We also managed a little fun in the awesome pools.

I was very amused that they made fire to roast marshmallows and melt chocolate, pretty sure you can make s'mores there with no fire.

Before we knew it it was time to head home but we really enjoyed our time in the beautiful desert.

Sitting in traffic, not so much.

Now it's back to normal, which is still an adventure. I am really excited to tell you that I have started to move where I am writing, soon there will be a new blog, Adventures in Rettland, details to come!

Today

Funny, I thought I was on the ragged edge of exhaustion and fighting back, forcing myself to rest so I can get back to being somebody who thinks in complete thoughts. Well, after last week I learned that it is possible to function, much, much more exhausted. I knew that I needed to rest going into last week because we had planned for Jared to go back to Arizona on Friday to see his mom who was fighting cancer in the hospital. Monday I was worried as I felt like I was getting sick, my throat was sore and my muscles ached. Then Jared got the call, he needed to get on a plane asap. We immediately changed gears, Jared flew to Arizona and made it to see his mom hours before she passed early Tuesday morning. If you'd like to read about her life please click here. I don't think I have ever cried like I did that night. The sadness was overwhelming, this was a very difficult loss. Still, the days go on. Jared came home, bleary eyed and attempted to go through the motions. Later in the day on Wednesday Claire developed a pnuemonia, secondary to aspirating because of her cold. Her fever spiked, her oxygen stats dropped, we did all the stuff we do when that happens and five days later she has just started to laugh again, her vibrant self is emerging from her tired body. We are preparing to drive to Arizona in 36 hours. Short of reserving a rental car and a hotel room, nothing has been done to prepare for that. I could be freaking out. I could be huddling in the corner, overwhelmed and fearful. But today, on our way home, I drove with the sunroof open, Imagine Dragons blasting, Chloe singing and Claire laughing. I have so much today. So much to enjoy, to savor, to fight for. So with that, I will leave you with this.

Starting

Have you even thrown your name into a hat, without thinking about it much, figuring you won't get picked so it won't matter. I sorta did that. In late June, when I was exhausted and clearly not thinking well, I saw a post on Jon Acuff's blog, something to the effect of; adventurers wanted, 24 people, 24 days, 1 awesome result. There was mention of risk, passports and machete's so of coarse I sent in my info to join, doesn't that sound like what a tired mom needs? Fast forward, I am somehow in this Start Experiment and before groups get assigned I need to pick a risk for the 24 days. I was so depleted that the only thing I could think to risk was figuring out how to restore myself. I didn't think about it long, it's what came to mind and I went with it. Ever since then I have been trying to figure out, why is that a risk? What makes restoring myself dangerous? I've come up with a few hard answers. I want to share it here because I am curious, anybody else ever feel like this? If I am completely honest, I am afraid to rest, restore, have fun because I fear that those around me will think that everything is alright. How can I possibly be rested and having fun in the same day that I hold our 7 year old limp and blue after seizures? The truth is that is my reality. I have to do just that, enjoy one moment and grieve the next, if I stay down I choose missing the good stuff and I am not willing to do that. It doesn't mean I don't need support but I fear that is how it will be taken. The other thing that holds me back is the fear of failing at whatever it is I attempt to restore myself. It happens, grief has a way of striking when I attempt to rest. Regardless, I know I need to do it. I reached a level of exhaustion last week where it no longer became an option. This needs to happen, I know it will be good for me. My favorite part about this is that it's an experiment, you can't fail at an experiment, you learn from it. So here's to what happens in the next 22 days, so far I took a bicycle ride with Chloe and got a red journal.